By Christina Katz 

Once a baby is born, our lives are no longer our own. We are transformed. We are no longer an individual, or even a couple, and our scope of responsibilities expands to small group status. No wonder moms often feel overwhelmed and insecure. 

What do veteran moms know that can help new moms feel reassured? Here are our insider secrets.

Give yourself pep talks. The first few months—okay, years—of motherhood can be unsettling. Your little one needs you so completely and is growing and changing so quickly, merely keeping up can feel challenging. Expect motherhood to put you to the test. You are up for it. You can do this. Repeat: I feel overwhelmed and that’s okay. This feeling will pass once I admit it to someone and keep carrying on. 

Practice self-acceptance. With so much time going to baby and practical duties, appearances may slip a bit. So why not lower the stakes? Wear comfortable clothing, even if it’s not as fashionable as usual. Get your hair cut in a way that won’t demand styling. Forego makeup and appreciate your natural glow. You can still get dressed up for an occasional date night or to socialize with friends. But on stay-at-home days, simplify your needs and save time and energy. Repeat: I look good enough to take care of this baby. I can temporarily let go of impressing the outside world and simply focus on meeting our needs. 

Expect co-parenting. If you are partnered, it’s important to co-parent. This means that you share the work of caring for your growing baby. And don’t think co-parenting will be a drag. Think of how much you will learn about each other. Start having conversations on an ongoing basis about how to juggle responsibilities. Repeat: Sometimes co-parenting is confusing. But if we take time to discuss our parenting hopes, dreams, and needs as we go, everyone’s desires will get addressed. 

Weave a network of support. They say it takes a village to raise a child and this is true. You may think needing help is a sign of your deficiencies, but flip this thinking on its head: Creating a strong yet flexible network of supporters is your primary job as a new mother. Research resources at your disposal and do not hesitate to ask veteran moms what was helpful to them. Repeat: There are ample services available in my area for pregnant women and new mothers, if I seek them out. We can find all the resources we need. 

Be calmly informed. If you suspect there is a problem with your baby, don’t wait for matters to worsen before you act. Place a few inquiries by phone, so you can determine if you need to take any steps. Illnesses can swiftly progress in infants, and you might miss early signs and end up in the emergency room at 3 a.m. If something concerning comes up, consult parenting books, quickly poll other parents via social media, and directly consult those more experienced. Above all, trust your instincts. Repeat: There is nothing wrong with asking questions. When I have a concern, the input of informed friends and professionals can quickly lay my worst fears to rest. 

Stand up for yourself. Vulnerability is a common feeling among new moms. You may feel uncertain, confused, even lost sometimes. You may also find yourself on the receiving end of a barrage of advice, some of it unsolicited. Try not to get worked up about those who seem to know it all. They are usually well-meaning folks who are trying to help. And if their “help” is unhelpful, you can and should let them know how you feel. Repeat: When I am feeling shaky, and others are making me feel worse, I can simply say, “I am not looking for any more input at this time, but thanks for trying to help.” 

Keep your balance. A mother’s life is not typically full of long stretches of free time. Smart moms learn how to find rest and relaxation in the nooks and crannies of each day. They accept that a messier home than usual is totally understandable. They remember that their happiness deserves preserving as much as possible. Repeat: When I take excellent care of myself I can go from overwhelmed to confident more easily. I value my own company, no matter how scarce, more than ever. 

Author, journalist, and writing coach Christina Katz wants to remind all new moms that they really do pass.