By Shannon Carpenter

Dear Beloved Teenager: 

Aaaaa! Sorry, I feel like I had to get that out of my system right here at the start. You should in no way take that as an indication of your driving ability. 

But also, CURB! Watch out for the CURB!

You and I have been through a lot together, and I wanted to take a minute to tell you how proud I am. When you were a toddler, you and I had so much fun on our little adventures. We went to the World War I museum, toured a coffee factory, and always stayed in our lane. 

Yup, always stayed in our lane. Which in case you are wondering, is on the right side of the road. The right side, honey. THE RIGHT SIDE! Ignore my flop sweat. That happens when you get old and your life flashes in front of your eyes. 

In kindergarten, I could see the woman you would become. A woman who was strong-willed and never let her ambition drift. A woman that always knew that it was not okay to let her responsibilities slide. I guess what I’m saying here is: Stop drifting out of your lane and aiming for other cars. 

I loved watching you thrive in middle school. I was so proud of how well you got along with everyone. For example, you never hit anyone. You didn’t hit kids that were getting off the bus. You didn’t hit adults that were crossing the street. I appreciate that kindness and so do my insurance deductibles. 

Now that you are in high school and learning how to drive, I find myself with mixed emotions. Some days I’m terrified that you are growing up and running stop signs. Other days I’m just scared of other people on the road. But mostly I find myself missing the time we spent together. And also, I miss undented rims. I know, driving in snow is hard. 

Now as you go out into the world, please remember just a few things that your dear old dad learned over the years: 

1. Confidence is key to becoming the person you want to be. For example, be confident that taking a speed bump at 50 miles per hour will wreck your suspension. 

2. The road to life is full of ditches. Do your best to stay out of them. 

3. Stop! Stop! Stop! For the love of all that is good, please stop! And smell the roses from time to time. 

I know that it’s hard to listen to your old man as you grow. We have had our ups and downs. You don’t like me telling you what to do, and I don’t like hit-and-run lawsuits. 

Now go out and live the life that you’ve worked so hard to build. I’ll always be here to help you along the way—and bail you out of jail. 

Get Luck Everyone, 

Dad 

Shannon Carpenter is a professional humorist, co-host of The Dadhouse Pod, and the author of The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad Manual (Penguin, 2021).