By Debbie Ausburn

A few years after our marriage, my husband’s ex-wife asked for custody of their youngest son. When we asked my stepson for his thoughts, he naturally did not want to say anything that sounded like choosing sides. So my husband asked him, “If you had a magic wand, what would your life look like?”

Instantly, he replied, “If I had a magic wand, you and Mom would still be together.” After a short pause, he anxiously turned to me and said, “No offense, Debbie. You and the dogs would be right next door.”

Now, understand that this child and I already had a tight bond. We did and still do adore each other. His wish had nothing to do with me. He was simply expressing a need that all children have: an intact biological family. No matter how outstanding a parent I am to my foster and stepchildren, I am not and never will be the person who is supposed to be there.

Our Children Have Suffered Loss Whether we are foster parents or stepparents, our children have suffered loss. Foster children obviously have suffered serious trauma that disrupted their families. Stepchildren also have been through some degree of trauma. Each of them has a need for an intact biological family that is deep in their hearts, in a place not reachable by logic.

If we do not recognize that need, our reassurances will sound to them like we are simply ignoring their loss. Recognizing their trauma will help us acknowledge that their sadness and resentment are perfectly normal responses to abnormal situations. Only then can we be a part of helping them move forward.

I once [fostered] a six-year-old girl who woke up sobbing every morning, “I want to go back to my blue house.” My attempts to reassure her that she would enjoy school that day or that we would do interesting things at my house just made her cry harder. I finally learned that all I could do was hold her and let her cry herself out on my shoulder. Of course, I could marshal long-term resources, such as therapy. In that moment, though, there was no solution that could reach her loss. 

Sometimes we hesitate to label divorce as a trauma because we do not want to judge biological parents. I have learned to never judge another person’s decisions about their marriage. Nevertheless, we must be honest with our children. The situation that they are in carries a price for them. We can acknowledge that reality without placing blame on any particular person.

Do Not Expect Miracles Giving up our expectations of a happily ever after may be the hardest part of parenting other people’s children. We all have heard inspiring stories of deep bonds developing between children and foster parents or stepparents. It is easy to start expecting that we, too, will have a picture-perfect family, proudly watching our children graduate from school and walk down the aisle into a healthy and loving marriage. 

While that scenario can come true and be wonderful, the reality all too often is very different. We’ll have to brace ourselves for the Mother’s or Father’s Days when we do not get a text message, the birthdays that are overlooked, and the holidays when the children are not with us. We need to remain committed to the family despite these disappointments. 

I still have a strong and clear memory of standing at an extended family gathering for one of my children, looking at the backs of cheerful people clustered around a picnic table. All of them were eating, chatting cheerfully with each other, and completely ignoring me. None of them meant to be rude. I was simply the odd person out, and no one knew quite what to do with me.

I had to recognize that this situation was not about me. To my child’s extended family, I was the new reality that they had not quite adjusted to. In short, I was not supposed to be there. 

When life does not meet your expectations, there are not many options. If we struggle to make people act like our dream family, we will just make everyone miserable. We also usually fail. It is much better to give up our expectations and find beauty in the reality that we have. 

Adapted, with permission, from Raising Other People’s Children by Debbie Ausburn. Published by Hatherleigh Press. Distributed by Penguin Random House. All Rights Reserved.

For more than 40 years, Debbie Ausburn has been working with at-risk children. She is a foster parent, stepparent, and author of Raising Other People’s Children (Hatherleigh Press, 2021). Find her at otherpeopleschildren.org.