By Shannon Carpenter

Halloween is about fear, plain and simple. But what scares parents is different than what scares kids. I know that, like me, you can take imaginary ninjas and five-year-old Frankensteins, but you’re truly terrified when any of these monsters come knocking at your door:

The Inflation Vampire Late at night, around the witching hour, the inflation vampire digs its teeth into your well-protected budget, sucking out every inch of cushion. Suddenly, your water bill is 20 percent higher than it has been in ten years. Your grocery budget has collapsed to a mere shell of what it used to be. And it doesn’t end there. The vampire’s familiars work tirelessly to increase your energy bills in minute increments, so you don’t even notice the bite marks. 

The Unexpected Car Noise Mummy It always starts with a small knock from the tomb underneath your hood. But surely there is no monster there. You don’t have time for monsters. You have kids’ soccer practices and late-night snack runs (the only time you get to yourself) to think about. But then you start noticing that knock starts to become a clunk. You can even hear it when you turn up your radio. You’re brave and finally open that tomb, only to discover that your engine has unwrapped itself—and it’s going to cost your kids’ college savings to remove the curse. 

The Homeowner Insurance Adjustor Werewolf You’ve always had coverage. Then on a full moon disaster strikes, and the Homeowner Insurance Adjustor lets you know that an act of God isn’t covered. With a huff and a puff, you no longer have insurance, and the weather forecast isn’t looking good. 

Forgotten Homework Ghoul It’s the scream in the middle of the night that makes your blood run cold: “Mom! Dad! I forgot that I need a fully functional solar system model!” It’s cliché and yet your worst fear. You wonder if any stores that sell crafting supplies are open at 3 a.m. They aren’t, so you use wadded-up socks and hope that is enough to banish the specter. 

The Unattended Toddler with a Bag of Flour Ghost Things are quiet; as a shiver runs up your spine, you realize that is never a good sign. You run, but you know you’re already too late. The toddler ghost is white as a sheet, and so is your entire kitchen. How did they even know where the flour was anyway?

The Grocery Bill Witch Boil, boil, toil, and trouble! That’s your soup recipe, and the cackling you hear is the self-checkout A.I. laughing at how much that simple soup now costs. Beware the Ides of March and specialty ingredients. 

Shannon Carpenter is a professional humorist, co-host of The Dadhouse Pod, and the author of The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad Manual (Penguin, 2021).