By Shannon Carpenter

Thank you so much for signing up for the Parenthood Subscription service! Subscription fees will be automatically deducted from your bank account every month and then triple in November and December. Celebrate the holidays with debt!

To get the absolute best experience with your child(ren), please read carefully.

Included with this introductory letter is the user manual for your child(ren). This 42-page booklet is actually blank because there are no instructions. We hope that this enhances your user experience.

There are a few benefits and options we wish to point out that will get you excited about your Parenthood Subscription. Your subscription comes fully equipped with constant worry and stress. Every burp, hiccup, or sneeze will now cause a panic attack. With Parenthood, your anxiety is our goal! 

Also, please note the copious amounts of poop you will deal with, at no extra cost to you! Most models also come with puke, pee, and the occasional dangling snot river. Craft time has never been so amazing. Bedazzle every piece of clothing you own!

Further, all of our subscription packages contain LOUD NOISES yelled for no reason. Interrupt countless hours of pointless sleep with the patented “wail in the middle of the night.” Enjoy quiet evenings shattered by one of our models asking “when’s dinner?” for the five-hundredth time. 

As time moves on, take your Parenthood Subscription to the next level. Get social! Enjoy the constant judgment of others. Remember the main benefit we offer when socializing with other parents is to ensure you know that you are always doing something wrong. You’ll be a hit at parties you never go to. With the Parenthood Subscription, all your cool new parenting friends are in bed by eight.

As a part of your renewal at the end of the year, we’ll send you a holiday card filled with an alphabetized list of all the things other people said you messed up. For a small convenience fee that is not optional, we’ll include special thoughts on this topic from your Mother-In-Law! This is the type of quality service you get with Parenthood!

In the end, there are many varied experiences to be explored with your Parenthood Subscription. Most notably, your ability to forget how hard it was and end up crying in a puddle of your own sadness when they finally leave home (College Not Included.) We know, it’s not fair. But it doesn’t have to be the end! 

Continue your Parenthood Subscription by buying the Grandparents Option. Just use the code “When are you going to give me grandbabies?!”

Thank you for enduring Parenthood. And remember: Live, Laugh, Love the vision of yourself that you used to be.

Shannon Carpenteris a professional humorist and the author of The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad manual (Penguin, 2021).