The No-Responsibility Party
By Meredith Ethington
My birthday is coming up, so I’ve been daydreaming about my fantasy moms-party. Here are some of my ideal themes:
Napping Party
We moms lie on our napping pads, put on noise-cancelling headphones, and pull down the blackout shades. Then we sleep for however freaking long we want. Party favors include eye masks and soft blankets.
Target Party
For a day, we are all Joanna Gaines picking out a new throw pillow or lampshade for our mom-caves. Starbucks or Diet Cokes in our hands, we stroll kid-free aisles and buy cactus-shaped earring holders without having to listen to temper tantrums in the distance. Party favors include loot from the “grab as many items as you can from the $1 aisle” contest.
No-Responsibility Party
This party has a few rules. No one can ask a mom for anything, especially while she is eating, peeing, or sleeping. Phrases like “to-do list” and “did you pick up cat food at the store?” are banned, and no one can speak their children’s names. Rather for the entire day everyone pretends to be single women with absolutely zero responsibilities. Party favors include one-way tickets to a deserted island, where no one asks for snacks and everyone gets to eat their food while it’s still warm.
Mindless Social Media Scrolling/Meme-Sharing Party
Simply watch stupid online videos together and laugh until you cry. No one makes the birthday girl get off the couch to do something like pour someone a glass of milk when that someone is fully capable of completing the task. And no one shames anyone else for, for instance, not watching their kids twirl around in skirts. Party favors include a free Instagram filter that magically makes you look not tired.
Slumber Party
Bring your favorite chick-flick and adult beverage. No bras are allowed, and no one cares if your sweats have a hole in the crotch. Pass out, makeup still on, in your own separate beds at 10 p.m. without anyone rubbing your arm for a little action at midnight. In the morning, awaken when your body feels ready instead of when a toddler and his siblings have decided to play “the ground is lava” game right outside your bedroom door.
For any of these parties, no one can require you to clean your house or judge you when the half-eaten hot dog is inevitably discovered behind the couch. And, of course, no fantasy birthday party would be complete without a never-ending supply of cake that doesn’t make you fat—and an absence of little hands grabbing pieces of it right out of your hands.
Meredith Ethington is a writer and a mom to three who tries to help her kids understand sarcasm—and her need for personal space. Meredith’s debut parenting book, Mom Life: Perfection Pending, is now available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and at Absolute Love Publishing. Meredith writes for many of her favorite parenting sites, including Scary Mommy, Babble, Momtastic, and on her own blog
(perfectionpending.net). Follow her on Facebook @PerfectionPending and at instagram.com/perfectpending.
My birthday is coming up, so I’ve been daydreaming about my fantasy moms-party. Here are some of my ideal themes:
Napping Party
We moms lie on our napping pads, put on noise-cancelling headphones, and pull down the blackout shades. Then we sleep for however freaking long we want. Party favors include eye masks and soft blankets.
Target Party
For a day, we are all Joanna Gaines picking out a new throw pillow or lampshade for our mom-caves. Starbucks or Diet Cokes in our hands, we stroll kid-free aisles and buy cactus-shaped earring holders without having to listen to temper tantrums in the distance. Party favors include loot from the “grab as many items as you can from the $1 aisle” contest.
No-Responsibility Party
This party has a few rules. No one can ask a mom for anything, especially while she is eating, peeing, or sleeping. Phrases like “to-do list” and “did you pick up cat food at the store?” are banned, and no one can speak their children’s names. Rather for the entire day everyone pretends to be single women with absolutely zero responsibilities. Party favors include one-way tickets to a deserted island, where no one asks for snacks and everyone gets to eat their food while it’s still warm.
Mindless Social Media Scrolling/Meme-Sharing Party
Simply watch stupid online videos together and laugh until you cry. No one makes the birthday girl get off the couch to do something like pour someone a glass of milk when that someone is fully capable of completing the task. And no one shames anyone else for, for instance, not watching their kids twirl around in skirts. Party favors include a free Instagram filter that magically makes you look not tired.
Slumber Party
Bring your favorite chick-flick and adult beverage. No bras are allowed, and no one cares if your sweats have a hole in the crotch. Pass out, makeup still on, in your own separate beds at 10 p.m. without anyone rubbing your arm for a little action at midnight. In the morning, awaken when your body feels ready instead of when a toddler and his siblings have decided to play “the ground is lava” game right outside your bedroom door.
For any of these parties, no one can require you to clean your house or judge you when the half-eaten hot dog is inevitably discovered behind the couch. And, of course, no fantasy birthday party would be complete without a never-ending supply of cake that doesn’t make you fat—and an absence of little hands grabbing pieces of it right out of your hands.
Meredith Ethington is a writer and a mom to three who tries to help her kids understand sarcasm—and her need for personal space. Meredith’s debut parenting book, Mom Life: Perfection Pending, is now available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and at Absolute Love Publishing. Meredith writes for many of her favorite parenting sites, including Scary Mommy, Babble, Momtastic, and on her own blog
(perfectionpending.net). Follow her on Facebook @PerfectionPending and at instagram.com/perfectpending.
