The Search for a Pet that Doesn’t Test Mom-Sanity
By Jessica Guerrieri
My sanity had hit a pandemic low point when I decided we could foster two 8-week-old kittens. After four weeks of snuggles and an abundance of cat feces, those kittens are now in their forever home—which is thankfully not ours. I am now quite aware that I am a “low-maintenance pet” kind of mom. So, after the kitties left, I grabbed our masks and took my three girls to find some goldfish.
I was beyond thrilled that, of all the sparkly, glow-in-the-dark fish at Petco, my daughters chose the 19-cent feeder fish (low-maintenance and cheap, score!). We decided on just two, since our fishbowl was small and the youngest isn’t yet old enough to keep herself from accidentally committing fish murder.
I went to retrieve a store employee to help us capture the fish, and was surprised when not just the employee, but also the store manager came along. And that is where my quest for simple pet care ended.
“What type of living environment do you have for them at home?” the store employee asked me.
“Like their tank? I have a small fishbowl for them.”
The employee and manager exchanged judgy looks.
“For goldfish, we recommend you get a larger tank because they expel a lot of waste. With a bowl, you will be changing the water constantly. It’s not an optimal environment for them.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen. I’m sure we can change the water daily.”
“Well, I mean we can’t stop you from getting them, but you will officially be going against doctor’s orders.”
Pause for sarcastic laughter since we are talking about fish. There is none.
“I think I can live with that. Can you put them in two separate bags, please?”
“They would probably be more comfortable in the same bag.”
“Yes, but it would make for a much more comfortable car ride for us if each of my girls is holding one bag.”
“Are you going straight home?”
“We are stopping at Jamba Juice first.”
“I recommend going straight home and keeping them out of direct sunlight.”
At this point I decided to pay, just to end the most ridiculous conversation I’d had that day (and that included the one with my 4-year-old about why we must wear pants in the car).
On our way out, the manager who had fished out our fish stopped us at the door to make sure we had paid and that we weren’t the mother-and-daughter-fish-stealing-masterminds making headlines on CSPAN. Just to seal his fate as the star of this article, he told me that if I brought the dead fish carcasses back to the store, we would get replacements free of charge for the next 30 days. I do a lot for my daughters, but I draw a hard line at intentionally transporting dead guppies to save less than 50 cents.
Back at home, my girls are currently taking turns holding the bowl on their laps while the littlest eats Goldfish crackers (discreetly, of course, out of respect for the new family members). Mission low-maintenance pets: accomplished. While signs of pet-purchasing-delirium show it’s obvious we’ve all been at home far too long, other people maybe have spent a little too long among the fishes.
Find Jessica Guerrieri at witandspitup.com and on Instagram at
@witandspitup.
My sanity had hit a pandemic low point when I decided we could foster two 8-week-old kittens. After four weeks of snuggles and an abundance of cat feces, those kittens are now in their forever home—which is thankfully not ours. I am now quite aware that I am a “low-maintenance pet” kind of mom. So, after the kitties left, I grabbed our masks and took my three girls to find some goldfish.
I was beyond thrilled that, of all the sparkly, glow-in-the-dark fish at Petco, my daughters chose the 19-cent feeder fish (low-maintenance and cheap, score!). We decided on just two, since our fishbowl was small and the youngest isn’t yet old enough to keep herself from accidentally committing fish murder.
I went to retrieve a store employee to help us capture the fish, and was surprised when not just the employee, but also the store manager came along. And that is where my quest for simple pet care ended.
“What type of living environment do you have for them at home?” the store employee asked me.
“Like their tank? I have a small fishbowl for them.”
The employee and manager exchanged judgy looks.
“For goldfish, we recommend you get a larger tank because they expel a lot of waste. With a bowl, you will be changing the water constantly. It’s not an optimal environment for them.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen. I’m sure we can change the water daily.”
“Well, I mean we can’t stop you from getting them, but you will officially be going against doctor’s orders.”
Pause for sarcastic laughter since we are talking about fish. There is none.
“I think I can live with that. Can you put them in two separate bags, please?”
“They would probably be more comfortable in the same bag.”
“Yes, but it would make for a much more comfortable car ride for us if each of my girls is holding one bag.”
“Are you going straight home?”
“We are stopping at Jamba Juice first.”
“I recommend going straight home and keeping them out of direct sunlight.”
At this point I decided to pay, just to end the most ridiculous conversation I’d had that day (and that included the one with my 4-year-old about why we must wear pants in the car).
On our way out, the manager who had fished out our fish stopped us at the door to make sure we had paid and that we weren’t the mother-and-daughter-fish-stealing-masterminds making headlines on CSPAN. Just to seal his fate as the star of this article, he told me that if I brought the dead fish carcasses back to the store, we would get replacements free of charge for the next 30 days. I do a lot for my daughters, but I draw a hard line at intentionally transporting dead guppies to save less than 50 cents.
Back at home, my girls are currently taking turns holding the bowl on their laps while the littlest eats Goldfish crackers (discreetly, of course, out of respect for the new family members). Mission low-maintenance pets: accomplished. While signs of pet-purchasing-delirium show it’s obvious we’ve all been at home far too long, other people maybe have spent a little too long among the fishes.
Find Jessica Guerrieri at witandspitup.com and on Instagram at
@witandspitup.
