Why Can’t Couples Counselors Staff Home Improvement Stores?
By Brette Sember
After years of enduring visits to home improvement stores with my family, I have come up with several service suggestions:
1. Relationship counselors. If anyone needs a counselor, it’s a couple in the middle of a renovation. Having a few in-store therapists on hand to help folks navigate sudden anger and frustration (what do you mean you didn’t measure?!) would definitely improve customer satisfaction.
2. Chairs. Preferably padded. No one wants to stand for half an hour while deciding between tiles.
3. Moving walkways. I do not want to have to drag my tired self to the other side of the store for whatever stupid thing I came in to buy. Hopping on a moving walkway would deliver me to my destination fresh as a daisy and ready to spend.
4. Daycare. Or at least a playground or Disney movie on a loop—anything to entertain the kiddos. (You can’t exactly hand them a box of nails and tell them to eat up.)
5. Snacks. Nothing motivates my husband—or my kids—to move through a grocery store like food samples, so if you could parcel out some cheese cubes or even some diced mango, my life would definitely be easier.
6. An app. I’m tired of always picking the wrong plumbing aisle. Please, just give me an app so I can type in what I need and know where to look for it. And make it intuitive, so if I type in “screw thingie for top of lampshade” it will know I mean a finial.
7. Lumberjacks. The wood section of the store is so boring. Some cute, muscle-y, flannel-shirted lumberjacks would perk me up, and they could dig through the piles of two-by-fours to find the straight ones for me.
8. A spa. If the relationship counselors can’t get the job done, I have got to have a peaceful place to retreat to when my husband does not understand why the selection of cheap-looking bathroom vanities necessitates a special order. If someone could just give me a shoulder massage, I might be able to go back out and do battle again instead of leaving in a huff.
9. Paint vending machines. I do not want to have to converse with the crusty older gentleman in charge of paint and then wait 20 minutes in cart traffic. I would much rather just punch in a code for what I want. If this isn’t possible, would you please, for the love of God, just text me when my paint is ready?
10. Signs that bridge the gap. Not all of us are contractors. We regular homeowners do not know that, for instance, recessed lights come with the do-hickeys that attach them to the ceiling. Some signs to address such common misunderstandings would be oh-so helpful.
Bonus points: Parking! You can’t truly appreciate how big a parking lot is until you’ve dragged a sobbing child (or unmotivated husband) across it. Please let me park near the door. And have those snacks ready.
Brette Sember is a freelance writer.
After years of enduring visits to home improvement stores with my family, I have come up with several service suggestions:
1. Relationship counselors. If anyone needs a counselor, it’s a couple in the middle of a renovation. Having a few in-store therapists on hand to help folks navigate sudden anger and frustration (what do you mean you didn’t measure?!) would definitely improve customer satisfaction.
2. Chairs. Preferably padded. No one wants to stand for half an hour while deciding between tiles.
3. Moving walkways. I do not want to have to drag my tired self to the other side of the store for whatever stupid thing I came in to buy. Hopping on a moving walkway would deliver me to my destination fresh as a daisy and ready to spend.
4. Daycare. Or at least a playground or Disney movie on a loop—anything to entertain the kiddos. (You can’t exactly hand them a box of nails and tell them to eat up.)
5. Snacks. Nothing motivates my husband—or my kids—to move through a grocery store like food samples, so if you could parcel out some cheese cubes or even some diced mango, my life would definitely be easier.
6. An app. I’m tired of always picking the wrong plumbing aisle. Please, just give me an app so I can type in what I need and know where to look for it. And make it intuitive, so if I type in “screw thingie for top of lampshade” it will know I mean a finial.
7. Lumberjacks. The wood section of the store is so boring. Some cute, muscle-y, flannel-shirted lumberjacks would perk me up, and they could dig through the piles of two-by-fours to find the straight ones for me.
8. A spa. If the relationship counselors can’t get the job done, I have got to have a peaceful place to retreat to when my husband does not understand why the selection of cheap-looking bathroom vanities necessitates a special order. If someone could just give me a shoulder massage, I might be able to go back out and do battle again instead of leaving in a huff.
9. Paint vending machines. I do not want to have to converse with the crusty older gentleman in charge of paint and then wait 20 minutes in cart traffic. I would much rather just punch in a code for what I want. If this isn’t possible, would you please, for the love of God, just text me when my paint is ready?
10. Signs that bridge the gap. Not all of us are contractors. We regular homeowners do not know that, for instance, recessed lights come with the do-hickeys that attach them to the ceiling. Some signs to address such common misunderstandings would be oh-so helpful.
Bonus points: Parking! You can’t truly appreciate how big a parking lot is until you’ve dragged a sobbing child (or unmotivated husband) across it. Please let me park near the door. And have those snacks ready.
Brette Sember is a freelance writer.
