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Mendo Lake Family Life

5 Ways to Create Intimacy without Taking Your Clothes Off

By Pam Moore

By the time your kids are asleep, your mood is exhausted, not erotic. In theory, you want to connect with your partner. In reality, you’re too tired to make the effort. Sound familiar? You’re not alone.

It is totally normal for your sex life to take a dive when you have kids, says Dr. Jenni Skyler, certified sex therapist and director of the Intimacy Institute. But that doesn’t mean you can’t—or shouldn’t—seek intimacy in other ways. According to Skyler, the definition of intimacy is quality connection and it is essential to a healthy relationship. And while it’s the rare marriage that thrives without sex, she says there are many ways to be intimate without it.

Opportunities for intimacy might be less scarce than they seem—if you know where to look.

1. Talking

Experts and couples agree that uninterrupted conversation is an excellent way to create intimacy. While the first step is finding a sitter, putting the kids to bed, or scheduling a lunch date while the kids are at school, the second step is just as important: Put away your phones. Says marriage therapist Jill Whitney, LMFT, “We’re so busy replying to texts or checking social media that we hardly hear the one we’re with. This is toxic to relationships.”

Once you create a distraction-free space for a conversation, you might be surprised where that conversation leads. Sarah Protzman Howlett, a mom of four-year-old twins, describes a simple ritual she and her husband share. He says, “So tell me things,” and from there they might discuss anything from work to travel plans to politics well into the night. 

2. Kissing

Kissing (with all your clothes on) is something you can do virtually anytime, anywhere—even in front of the kids—and it’s incredibly intimate. I’m not talking about the chaste kisses Mike and Carol Brady exchanged before bed. I’m talking prolonged kissing. Skyler recommends what she calls a “kissing date,” in which kissing is not a means to sex, but rather the main event. Kelly Burch is a strong proponent of kissing. Though she and her husband have always enjoyed it, now as parents of a three-year-old and working opposite shifts, it has become much more important to them. Burch explains, “Kissing only takes a minute and builds that connection and intimacy.” 

3. Touching

The power of touch is huge. Says therapist Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, “Whether it’s a kiss hello or goodbye or holding hands, even nonsexual touching builds connection between partners.” David Bennett, a certified counselor and relationship expert, explains this phenomenon in terms of neuroscience. “Any form of longer-duration cuddling and touching causes a release of oxytocin in the brain. This is the chemical that bonds couples together. So, any type of cuddling or hand-holding (just make it longer than 20 seconds) will build intimacy.” 

4. Engaging Your Senses

If you’re not in the mood to be touched, or if physical affection just isn’t your love language, Skyler reminds us, the five senses include not just touch, but also sight, hearing, smell, and taste. She says sharing a sensual experience is an excellent way to connect. This could be listening to music together, enjoying a meal together, or looking at something beautiful. When a couple sits outside to watch the sunset together, all kinds of good things happen, says Rhonda Milrad, LCSW. “Stress decreases, the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, neurotransmitters are released, and your mood becomes calmer. Consequently, you both are more open to connection and communication.”

5. Sharing a Hobby

As parents stretched in many different directions and with a “scarcity of resources” as my husband is fond of saying, it’s easy to forget what attracted you and your partner to each other in the first place. Doing a hobby together can be an excellent reminder.

Especially when time together as a couple is at a premium, “sharing something novel helps keep your relationship from getting stagnant,” says Whitney. Julie Burton can attest to this. With two daughters, now ages 11 and 8, Julie felt that she and her husband, Scott, were moving in separate directions—until they started fishing together. It’s never inexpensive or convenient, but “it’s always like falling in love again.”

Intimacy encompasses so much more than sex. It’s about connection. While you can expect your kids to ruin certain things (e.g. your sleep), your connection with your partner doesn’t have to be one of them. 

Pam Moore is the host of the Real Fit podcast. Find her at pam-moore.com.