By Pam Moore

“Mom, can I have the vacuum?” asked my five-year-old daughter.

“Why, sweetheart?”

Normally you cannot see my daughter’s floor through the forest of books, dolls, and clothes. She grinned while imploring me, “Come see.” She marched down the hall and into her room, leading me by the hand. When we got to her doorway I laughed in surprise. The floor was completely clear.

Earlier that day, I’d begged the preschool teacher to help me find a way to quell the power struggles that had been erupting between my daughter and me. No sticker chart or time out could tame her steadfast refusal to do what I asked.

Her teacher suggested a marble jar. Here’s how it works: I put a marble in a jar every time I “catch” my daughter being good. When the jar is full, she earns a treat. The teacher said to follow a rule of never removing marbles as a consequence for bad behavior. My daughter’s response to the marble jar was a classic example of positive reinforcement at work. 

Still, I had questions. Why had the sticker charts not worked? And why, even as I grew less vigilant about rewarding “marble-worthy” behavior did the power struggles continue to decrease both in frequency and intensity? There had to be more to the equation than simply positive reinforcement. I talked to Sarah MacLaughlin, parent educator and author of What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children (Bay Island Books, 2010), to fill in the gap. She cautions parents to use positive reinforcement only “as training wheels,” and even then, only if they’ve already tried approaches emphasizing the parent-child relationship. 

If your child is having a fit, MacLaughlin says it is futile to attempt to give consequences or feedback. That does not mean you should ignore bad behavior, however. If, for example, your child becomes physically aggressive, MacLaughlin recommends you first help her calm down. Only when kids are calm do they have the capacity to listen and learn. At that point, she says: “You can validate a child who is heated by saying, ‘You tried to kick me because I said NO to dessert. I understand you’re upset, and I won’t let you hurt me.’ Then listen more, say less, and offer no ‘consequences’ or feedback until they are calm. Once you gauge you’re past the point of those big emotions, you can offer feedback and education. For example, ‘I know you know that hitting is not okay. As you grow and mature you’ll learn how to stay in charge of yourself and not hit when you’re upset.” I call this combo a Truth Bomb Pep Talk—information, a reminder, and encouragement all rolled into one.

If your child is simply refusing to do what you’re requesting, MacLaughlin urges parents to remember that kids are doing the best they can and to assume that they aren’t cooperating because they need help. She says there could be something bothering them on an emotional level, in which case she recommends the approach she describes above, known as “Staylistening.” Or it could be that using humor—making your request in a funny voice or with an accent—will get them on board. If that doesn’t work, before you lose your cool, MacLaughlin suggests setting a limit by calmly, kindly physically guiding the child to the chore or task. She says parents are often surprised at how well this works.

Whenever my daughter’s marble jar was full, she chose a treat. We would either hit the bagel shop or the used bookstore, but no matter what, her little sister was staying home. I’ve learned that her love languages are carbs, books, and quality time. More importantly, I learned that positive reinforcement was just the “training wheels” she needed to start rolling in the right direction. I’m convinced that it was the “reward” of spending rare quality time together that helped the most.  

This article was originally published on Motherly.

Pam Moore is an award-winning freelance writer, weight-neutral health coach, and host of the Real Fit podcast. Get her free guide to improving your body image at pam-moore.com.