By Rachael Moshman

Bringing home a new child is an exciting experience. It can also be overwhelming, especially when the child comes to you through foster care or adoption. The child has already been through the trauma of at least one move and separation from familiar caregivers. They are likely scared and confused, as are the new parents and any children already in the home.

My daughter entered foster care at age four and lived in a dozen places before my husband and I adopted her when she was nine. We met her on a Monday and she moved in with us that Friday. This included flying half way across the country with us.

We had anxiously been preparing to bring her home for six months while we waited for interstate placement paperwork to clear. However, she wasn’t given nearly the same amount of time to process the change. She didn’t even know we existed until days before our arrival. She had a new state, home, school, and parents to adjust to with very little preparation.

It was a difficult transition for our family. My husband and I underestimated how challenging it would be for us to settle into our new life as parents of a traumatized nine-year-old.

Therapist Nancy Mehesy has worked with many foster and adoptive families. She offers the following advice.

Have reasonable expectations. Mehesy says, “Foster and adoptive families have a delightful desire to care and love but are often surprised when the child is not responsive and appreciative. Expectations are usually unrealistic.” She suggests parents consider what the situation is like for the child. “Children are usually very scared and have no idea what to expect when they enter a new home. It’s like arriving in a foreign country in which you do not know the language or customs until you step on the landmine and are corrected.”

She encourages those starting this journey to talk to experienced foster or adoptive families and caseworkers who can guide them towards more realistic expectations. She also emphasizes that the family will never be the same. “Adding a child to the home through foster care or adoption changes the dynamics, priorities, and daily operations of the home and impacts every member of the family.”

Work to ease the child’s fear and anxiety. Nancy says there are several steps foster and adoptive families can take to make the transition easier. She suggests:

• Allow the children to have choices when appropriate.

• Respect items they bring with them from previous homes, such as books, toys, clothing, and photos.

• Give the child plenty of notice and time to adjust to the family’s expectations and schedules.

• Help the child find words to express their feelings.

• Provide a safe and quiet space that the child can go to when overwhelmed.

• Grant permission for the child to continue caring about their biological family or previous foster parents.

She adds parents shouldn’t expect bonding to occur quickly or to try to force it. Attachment takes time for everyone involved. She urges, “Be honest with yourself about all your feelings, hopes, and fears, even if you think they are unacceptable.”

Prepare for challenging behavior. Nancy explains that the child may never have experienced structure or adult responsiveness. Instead, they’ve learned that the world isn’t a safe place and they can only depend upon themselves. They may act out in an effort to keep themselves closed off to the new family for fear that they will be rejected yet again. Each move is very traumatic and often results in the child building stronger internal walls in an effort to protect themselves.

Nancy says challenging behaviors, including defiance, tantrums, aggressiveness, and destruction, are common in foster and adopted children. “Their wounds are silent and often misunderstood. Their behavior, which may be unusual, has a much deeper meaning than trying to rebel against authority.”

She offers three warnings:

1. At first the child may go through a honeymoon period of “good behavior.”

2. Traditional parenting methods are often ineffective with traumatized children. A therapist experienced in trauma and adoption issues can help you explore alternatives.

3. Friends and family may pull away because they don’t understand the situation or know how to respond.

She adds, “A commitment to love even when children behave in an unlovable manner is vital.”

Our daughter has been home for nearly three years now. It’s been a tough road, but so worth it. She summed it up best on Mother’s Day, when, while both celebrating me and grieving her biological family, she said, “Adoption is complicated.” 

Find Rachael Moshman at ramblingrach.com.