By Rebecca Thompson Hitt

When I began to change the way I was responding to my children, I started pausing because I didn’t know what else to do. What I was doing wasn’t working, but I didn’t have a clearly defined new plan either. And I still had work to do on my own past so that I could more clearly see the present.

I thought every situation warranted an immediate response, but there are very few actual parenting emergencies that require lightning reflexes and no thought. A child running into the road is an emergency. Even though it felt like an emergency, my older son speaking unkindly to his brother was not. The situation still needed attention, but there was time to pause before acting.

So I started pausing and an interesting thing happened. Sometimes what I was so afraid was going to happen, didn’t. Sometimes it did, but it wasn’t exactly like I thought it would be. I found I had time to think. I could sometimes even think of something helpful to do, which in turn created connection. Sometimes I used the pause to reconnect to myself—my feelings, thoughts, and interpretations. Sometimes I just breathed. My family started changing right there, in the pause.

Sometimes I got in only a small pause and then still did whatever reactionary thing I was going to do. But I celebrated the pause anyway. Big changes don’t happen overnight, but rather through small, everyday victories—victories like the pause.

Eventually I learned that we’re actually changing neuro pathways in our brains when we pause. And what’s cooler still is that when we pause, our children also learn to pause.

So many families I work with are living out patterns that aren’t working for them. Generally when those patterns start, everything speeds up and goes faster.

Example: Your eight-year-old hits his younger sister. Because this isn’t the first time this has happened, you immediately feel very angry and grab his hand. You start yelling, feeling scared for your daughter. All of this happens so fast every single time.

Enter the pause.

Your eight-year-old hits his younger sister. You pause and take a breath. You’re holding the intention of finding more loving ways to support their relationship. You feel a wave of anger and take another breath. You still take hold of his hand, but more gently and without the yelling this time. You bring him over to sit with you; you invite your daughter to sit on the other side of you so you can listen to them both and what happened. This would be a big step toward changing trans-generational patterns and responding the way you want to respond to your children.

It may take time and also some more support to get there, but the pause is where it all begins! Try it and see how it feels, and let me know what you think. 

Reprinted, with permission, from Consciously Parenting: What It Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families by Rebecca Thompson Hitt, and also from the Consciously Parenting Project, consciouslyparenting.com.

The mother of two young adult sons, Rebecca Thompson Hitt, MS, MFT, PPNE, is a holistic marriage and family therapist who has been working with children and families for more then 30 years. The founder and executive director of the Consciously Parenting Project, LLC, she supports families around the world with educational resources, community groups, workshops, and retreats. She also has a two-year relationship-focused parenting training program for parents and professionals. Find out more about her work at consciouslyparenting.com.